Are they really coming ?

Go ask Essendon ?

Number one ticket holder

At Price-fixer Park the fun never stops...

The advertising gurus at Price Fixer Park will have to change their membership campaign of "They know we're coming" as Cameron Cloke didn't even know Sentanta was coming.

There was a special meeting held at Raheen (Pratt's place) this afternoon to upgrade O'hAilpin to the Blues leadership group in line with the Carlton ex Presidents who were crooks and price fixers.

Stay tuned for more hilarious action
from the leagues biggest joke of a club...

Da Da Da da-da

Here they Come The Scum!

A golden joffa moment
Brought to you courtesy of good ol' Banksy...

Celebrating another Scum Spoon...

No finals for you

COME BACK
1 YEAR!!!

What is Fev's favourite TV character?

99

Joke of the week    PLAYER STATUS REPORT AS OF 30/03/08 ANDREW WALKER – Still in therapy from playing 22 positions in 22 weeks under Denis Pagan. JORDAN RUSSELL – Half of our fans think it’s disrespectful to the great John Nicholls to allow Jordan Russell to meander around in the number 2 jumper. The other half think it’s disrespectful to Dominic Fotia MARC MURPHY – Highly talented youngster who is widely regarded as the worst decision maker in the game after turning down the chance to go to Brisbane under the father/son rule. BRYCE GIBBS – Has been nicknamed Schapelle because he’s counting the days until he’s allowed to go home. CHRIS JUDD – Judd is severely hampered by a long term groin injury. He has lost explosive pace, can’t kick over 40 metres, is unable to turn freely and can only play 60% of game time. Still clearly the best player on the list. KADE SIMPSON – Kade’s like the average looking bird at a party that you chat up so you know you’ve got a guaranteed root in case you can’t land something decent. Made captain till something better came along and then dropped like a Cain Ackland chest mark. MATTHEW KREUZER – Was named as the player to lead the club out of the wilderness by our President Tricky Dicky, who the called him Matt Kruger in the same sentence. Don’t know about the kid, but for god sake keep Pratt away from the players. JASON SADDINGTON – Sydney capped off their unforgettable Premiership win in 2005 by off-loading Jason Saddington on the Blues. RICHARD HADLEY – The Carlton version of Richard Hadley plays footy more like Richard Hadlee the New Zealand cricket hero than Richard Hadley the Brisbane Lions Premiership player. Should only be picked if the Blues win the toss and bowl first. CAIN ACKLAND – The story goes that when Greg Swann was woken by a call in the middle of the night and told that one of his players had been videotaped urinating on a nightclub window, he knelt by the side of his bed and prayed it was Cain Ackland. LUKE BLACKWELL – Selected by Carlton under the father/ordinary son rule. He’s a smaller, weaker, less talented version of his father Wayne. BRAD FISHER – Unshaven half forward flanker who could comfortably pass for one of the homeless. Broke his thumb in the pre-season after getting punched in the nose outside a soup kitchen. SHAUN GRIGG – Loves to run with the footy. I suggest we buy him a Sherrin, drop him off on the Western Highway and hope he runs back home to Ballarat. SETANTA O’hAILPIN – In four years the Irishman has failed to grasp even the most basic concepts of AFL football. During Round One this year he was asked to pay more attention to loose men, so after the game he went cruising for action down Commercial Road in Prahran. AISAKE O’hAILPIN – Has learnt everything he knows about footy from his older brother. In other words he thinks the MCG can fly because it has two wings. PAUL BOWER – Looks like ‘Curly’ Austin from the 1970’s, plays like ‘Curly’ Howard from The Three Stooges EDDIE BETTS – If that’s the case he should have $100 on Carlton to win the spoon. ADAM HARTLETT – The Blues new enforcer took out Cam Howat behind the play in Round One. He’s currently suspended, but will be back to take out Ricky Petterd against the Dees in Round Four. NICK STEVENS – Typical drover’s dog who missed all of 2007 with a neck injury after spending all of 2006 looking over his shoulder for oncoming contact. BRENDON FEVOLA – The Fevola File is now into it’s 7th bound edition. Fev had a tumultuous pre-season but told the match committee he has learnt from his mistakes. He has promised to fire up against Collingwood by taking out Dick, then follow it up against the Eagles by pissing on Glass. CAMERON CLOKE – Getting a ruckman that Collingwood rejects is like going to Calcutta to replace your chauffeur. HEATH SCOTLAND – Heath is a favourite in footy Dreamteams. Unfortunately for Carlton they don’t play their matches on some pimply nerd’s laptop. JARRAD WAITE – Waite could do with a little more weight and he doesn’t have to look far. It’s hanging over the top of Nick Stevens’ shorts. JORDAN BANNISTER – In 1954 Roger Bannister broke the four-minute mile. In 2008 Jordan Bannister is hoping to break the four-possession game. BRETT THORNTON – Tireless defender whose weekly misery is compounded by knowing that for 2 glorious days in October 2006, he was a Hawk. RYAN HOULIHAN – The last of the four Houlihan sisters to play League football. Post-retirement he’s destined to live in the same trailer park as the Whitnall brothers SIMON WIGGINS – For the third year running the Blues forgot to delist Wiggins because he’s so forgettable. Has played 89 games for the club and at the current rate will play his 100th in 2012. DARREN PFEIFFER – Promising youngster who has to come to terms with the fact that Fev will never be able to spell his surname because it starts with a silent Pee. ANDREW CARAZZO – Ball magnet with a kicking impediment. He only told the club this year that Carazzo is Italian for turnover.

A Collingwood and Carlton fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.
"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the Collingwood fan "I agree" replies the Carlton fan

The Collingwood fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.

"Look" he says to the Carlton fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"

He hands the bottle over to the Carlton fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the Collingwood fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.

"Aren't you having any?" asks the Carlton fan. "No" replied the Collingwood fan, "I think I’ll wait until the Police get here."

Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.The first one asks, "Oh Lord when will Collingwood next win the Premiership?"
God Replies, "In the next five years."

"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.

The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Melbourne Victory next win the A-League?"

The Good Lord - answers, "In the next five years."

"But I'll be dead by then," says the man.

The third one asks, "Oh Lord when will Carlton win a game?".

God answers, "I'll be dead by then!"

But Carlton's biggest joke is....
Dick Pratt and this illustrious beer mongering prattercesor...

  ...and that aint no pig's bottom either! 

Q. What is the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Carlton supporter on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog

Q. Two Carlton supporters jump of a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society

Q. What does a carlton supporter use for protection during sex?
A.  Bus shelter

Q. What do you call a carlton supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant

Q. Why did the carlton supporter cross the road?
A.  To start a fight for no absolute reason

Q. If you are driving and see a carlton supporter on a bike, why should you try not and hit him?
A. It may be your bike

Q. Whats the first qestion during a carlton supporters quiz night?
A. 'Watchya lookin at mate?!'

Q. Two carlton supporters in a car without any music...who is driving?
A. The policeman

Q. What do you say to a carlton supporter with a job?
A. A big mac please

How Do You Know When Your a Carlton Supporter?

A halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife.
You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the dinner table with her kids
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws
Jack Daniels makes the list of your most admired people
You wonder how service stations kee there toilets so clean
You think Don Perignon is a mafia leader
A ceiling fan once wrecked your wife's hair-do
You think the last word's to Advance Australia Fair are ' carn the blues '
You lit a match in the bathroom and your whole house exploded of it's wheels
The market value of your car goes up and down depending on how much petrol is in it
One of your kids was born on a pool table
You cant get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it
You think a loaded dishwasher mean's  when your wife is drunk
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
Your front verandah collapses and kills twelve chooks

Did you hear the new road laws
that police are going to bring into effect?

First offence is a Carlton season ticket.
Second offence is you have to use it
Third offence is you have so sit next to Barb!

Q. What is the difference betwen Carlton and a massive pile of dog dung?
A. Absolutely nothing!

Q. How many carlton supporters does it take to stop a moving bus at high speed?
A. There are never enough!

Q. What is the difference between a Carlton Fan and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a Carlton fan.

A one eyed Blue bagger went into the carlton social club on a Saturday afternoon to drown his sorrows
Bagger..Pot of Carlton thanks
Barman..Sorry mate you can have a VB
Bagger..Nah pot of Killkenny thanks
Barman..Sorry mate how about a pot of Melbourne
Bagger..Well what about a pot of Guiness
Barman..Sorry mate
Bagger..How come i cant get a pot of Carlton ,Killkenny or Guiness yet i can get a VB or Melbourne?
Barman..We've got no Draught choices mate but you can still get Bitter.

These three friends all die at the same time and end up at the Pearly Gates where Albert Einstein is waiting for them, The first chap arrives and and Alby ask's him whats your IQ mate?
The chap repiles '250'
'Ah excellent' says Alby  we can articulate in the meaningful discussions with my mates Plato anmd Newton about the theory of relativity, Chaos, Theory, Astrophysics and the theory of everything, We will have much to discuss..you can now enter the pearly gates.
The second fella arrives and Alby ask's the same question 'Whats you IQ champ?
150 cries out the second fella
Ah good repiles Alby we can discuss History, Economics and Sociology, We have much to discuss you may enter the pearly gates.
The Third bloke gets to the gates and replies sheepishly to Alby's IQ request '50'
Alby replies "how about those mighty blues mate"

Q. Two blokes were walking through a cemetry and stumble across a tombstone that read 'Here lies John Falkner Good Man and a Carlton fan'
A. So one of them asked the other ' When did they start burying two people together?'

Q. Did you hear about the Post Office wanting to Recall the Carlton postage stamps?
A. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on!

Four Surgeons are taking a coffee break ' First one says accountants are easy to operate on because everything is numbered, Nah says the second one  Librarians are the best because everything is in Alphabetical order, Nah humbug says the third one Electricians are easily the best to operate on because everything is colour coded, The fourth one says nah i prefer Carlton Players  because they're Heartless, Gutless and Spineless and they're heads and backsides are interchangable.

Q. What do Carlton fans and Sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a Human Being.

Q. What do you have when you have 300 Carlton supporters buried up to there neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What is the difference between a Carlton sheila and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick!

Q. What is the difference between a Carlton fan and a Trampoline?
A. You take your shoes off to jump on a Trampoline.

Q. What's the thinnest book in the world?
A. Carlton Champions of the new Millenium.

Q. What does a 30 year old Carlton supporter take to the football?
A. Her three kids!

Q. Why do people spew in Gutters?
A. To give Carlton supporters breakfast in bed!

Q. Scotland, Whitnall and Fevola in a car which one is driving?
A. The Policeman!

Q. How do you know when a Carlton supporter has robbed your home?
A. Your thongs are missing and you Dog is suddenly pregnant!

Carlton supporter replies
"Are you crazy it's freezing cold outside'.

How you know when your at a Carlton supporters house?

Their's a pair of undies drying in the oven.

Their's an esky where the fridge was.

Front yard resembles a car wreckers yard.

The toilet seat is lost and later recovered on the roof.
Their's five beds in every bedroom.

Some guy with stubby in hand with Fag hanging out mouth is squirting the hose at clothes hanging on the line..you later learn he was just doing the club's washing.

Their's a bloke resisiting arrest on the front lawn.

Theirs a half eaten pastie on the couch you later discover it's one of the players dates for Brownlow medal night.

Carlton Blue Lanbrusca:
A fizzy Mediterranean-style that has a sickening taste. Rich and obnoxious, this wine suits those who favour a quick fix or they'll piss off to the soccer. Well aged, the Carlton Blue seems to always turn up at the end of season party even though no one else likes it.

John Nicholls - Huge man who used his intimidating presence to control games from the ruck. It is said he tried out for Collingwood but they cut him because of his vile odour.

David Rhys-Jones - Dodgy backman who looked like a car thief. Had a regular weekly appointment with the tribunal.

Collingwood - In the VFA, Carlton was the league's only working man's club. When Collingwood entered the VFA in 1892, Carlton discovered it had a rival.